Misunderstandsalot

A skit I wrote!


Misunderstands-A-Lot by Ed Chaney
Setting: A small coffee shop with two employees handling the morning traffic.
View: In front of the counter, slightly up so you can see the cold bar but the counter in front of the espresso machines is obscured.
A bell on the door rings. A customer walks up to the counter.
Barista 1: Hey sir! What can we get for you today?
Customer: I just need a large latte.
Barista 1: Sure thing! (Turns to his right, the espresso machines, and shouts) Can I get a large latte!
Another Barista appears.
Barista 2: Okie Dokie.
Barista 2 begins to jostle with the cold bar, pulling a blender off a rack and filling it.
Barista 1 hands the customer his change and turns around, frowning.
Barista 1: What are you doing dude?
Barista 2: What?
Barista 1: I asked for a latte.
Barista 2: (Visibly confused) What? Why?
Barista 1: A latte? I need it for the customer.
Barista 2: (Looks dumbfounded) .....
Barista 1 shrugs and looks irritated. He turns to the machines. (SFX: Thousands of spoons clinking) After ten seconds, far too short a time, he hands the customer his drink, giving a big smile.
Barista 1: Thank you sir!
He turns to the second barista, annoyed.
Barista 1: Put that away!
Barista 2 sets it down and moves out of the shot. A bell rings and another customer advances.
Customer 2: Could I get a small mocha with whip please.
Barista 1: (Eerily perky) Sure thing ma'am! Anything else for you today?
Customer 2: No thank you.
Barista 1: (Calls) Could I get a small mocha with whip please!
Barista 2 runs out and slips on the floor, he pulls the chai container down on top of himself. He stands up completely clean and hair in place. He turns to the cold bar again and starts to grab juices and pump syrups.
Barista 1 finishes the transaction and turns around, looks at the floor and then at the second employee. He comes up beside him and grabs the juice containers.
Barista 1: (Stage Whisper) What the hell man?
Barista 2: (Turns toward Barista 1) What?
Barista 1; (Visibly pissed) What the hell is all this? What are you making? I said a MOCHA, what are you retarded?
Barista 2: (Confused again) What? Why?
Barista 1 pulls the barista 2 over and pushes him towards the back, stage right.
Barista 1: Get a mop!
The first barista turns and goes through the same routine, handing out the drink instantaneously. Barista 2 walks out with a dust pan. Scene Closes.
Setting: Same coffee shop, but much dimmer, indicating night time. The same two baristas are still at the counter, cleaning up to get ready to close. Why they were there all freakin day, I have no idea.
Barista 1: (Moving mixers and wiping with a towel. Looks haggard and tired.) Dude, could you get me some ice?
Barista 2 runs full speed from stage left to stage right, behind the first barista. He appears a moment later with a red container of gasoline.
Barista 2: Here you go!
Barista 1 turns and looks at barista 2, who has his arms outstretched, holding the container out. He drops it on the floor in front of the first barista.
Barista 1: What the fuck!?
Barista 2 turns toward the front counter, looking out into the camera for is speech.
Barista 2: Sorry! I didn't understand!!! Guess you could say I misunderstand- a-
Before the second barista can finish, the first pulls a pistol from his apron, which, conceivably, has been there the entire day for no particular reason. He shoots the second in the leg. The second screams and falls to the floor, out of view.
Barista 2: WHAT! WHY!!!
Barista 1 fires again. Another loud shriek. barista 2 continues to shriek, oscillating between loud and soft. Barista 1 walks over and points the gun, aiming most likely for the head. His face is grim and set. The gun is turned sideways.
Barista 2: I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! WHY!!!
Barista 1 plugs the second, standing there for a moment. He sighs and turns to face the camera, his shoulders slumped, dramatically preparing for a speech of his own. The shot zooms in to capture is care worn face. He closes his eyes and breathes deep for a moment.
Then the second barista jumps up from no where and bites the side of the first's face. He is transfigured and is obviously a vampire due to the dark shadows about the eyes and cheeks and glowing red eyes. And gigantic fangs. Those too.
He begins to drain the life from the first barista, the side of the man's face wrinkling as the blood is taken. Finally, the second barista lets go and the first falls to the floor, dead. He turns and looks towards the door. The shot changes to show seven figures in black robes and hoods. One gestures to the barista. He climbs over the counter and runs out to them.
The shot shows the front of the counter again, as it did at the beginning. It is still and silent for a moment, then the bell on the door rings and the door is heard closing.
Barista 2: (Echoing whisper from far away) Why me?
The shot changes and shows the first barista's face. The face is deformed and dead. Then the eyes open
The next shot shows a building on fire and the barista walking out, completely decked out in leather (complete with duster a la gay Matrix fans). He saunters off dramatically, pausing to grab a cup of coffee left on a table. He pours it out and then crushes it, his face a mask of rage and anger. He then throws it away in a trash can and continues to saunter, duster billowing.
The End smacks onto the screen in bright, hazard yellow letters and the credits begin to roll to the soundtrack of “One Love” by Bob Marley.
After the credits the shot is dark. Then it shows a backyard. Barista 1 is shown standing over a decapitated weiner dog. The shot moves to over his shoulder.
Unknown teen: (From a distance?) What?
Barista 1 turns quickly, his face covered in weiner dog blood.
End.