Jakob felt no pain nor dizziness. He wasn't nauseous or light headed or even tired anymore. He simply was. He existed. He still perceived and felt, but he no longer needed his skin or his eyes or his nose. Perception was no longer about physically relating to the world around him, it was different for him now. He could see things, but he understood that his eyes merely part of his perception of himself. When he closed them and everything was dark, it was a willful withdrawing of his ability to perceive his surroundings.
But he couldn't have closed his eyes, even if he had wanted to.
Everything shone brightly. Each building was tall and stately and covered in chrome. All of them, every single one. They all seemed to shine and sparkle, even though the sky was gray and overcast. Jakob looked warily at the sky and he felt that it wasn't really a sky as much as a lid. He wondered for a moment before his attention returned to his immediate situation.
He was looking out a window from a large plaza. This plaza seemed packed with people moving this way and that. Some looked irritated, while others smiled at him blithely. He stared around wondering as each of these people seemed to shine themselves. They seemed to be covered in the same sparkling chrome as the building around them.
But more than this, as he looked up, he saw that the window in the plaza extended a great ways up, giving him a full view of the skyline. He couldn't see very far, but it seemed to him that the buildings in the distance were actually taller than the ones close by.
He was staring wildly at all of this, attempting to soak it in, when a hand was placed firmly, but not tightly, over his.
“Alright nah, ked. Les kep movin' nah, shall weh?”
Jakob's eyes found the hand, chrome and shining like the others, but larger by far. He followed the hand up to the arm and to the face. Jakob had to tilt himself sideways to see all of the man, he was so very wide. The man seemed to extend out from his neck like an upside down balloon. The head at the top was shining with disheveled brown hair. The man squinted down at Jakob, but Jakob couldn't see what color his eyes were. The man made a tight smile at Jakob.
“Ev ben away so long Ev furgotten ma manners! Here now, ma nem ez Joshua, eh?”
A hand the size of a plate swung around from the far side of the man. It came down in front of Jakob. Jakob looked up at the man, who continued to squint at him. He thought the man was smiling, but he couldn't tell from here. Jakob put his hand, so very puny in comparison, in that of Joshua's. They shook and Joshua's wrist sparkled. On it was a small golden bracelet. It was knit like a finger trap and Jakob looked at it wonderingly.
Suddenly everything brightened. Jakob looked up. Everyone in the room had stopped. They were all looking up towards the sky. Jakob looked over at Joshua. Joshua himself had his face turned up towards it and for a moment, his face seemed to reflect the same golden light. It changed Joshua's visage, making him seem younger by far. Then, just as quickly, the light was gone and everyone shoes once again began to chatter in the great plaza.
“Well now, wed best beh off nah, doncha thenk?” Joshua said, looking down at Jakob scrutinizingly.
“Where are we going?” Jakob asked.
“Dunna yea know why et ez ya 'ere, ked?”
Jakob tried to think, but all he could think of was the sound of his mother's door as it opened. Her face as it came through the doorway, looking sleepy but concerned.
“Okeh, well yull fend oot soon enough I suspect! Fur right nah, less just get a move on, eh?”
Before Jakob could nod, Joshua had started off through the plaza. He was walking normally, but Jakob's legs raced to keep up.
They crossed the plaza, weaving in between the people as the moved towards the door. Joshua moved quickly, careful not to bump anyone. Jakob thought it seemed like a dance almost. Joshua swaying this way and that, missing people by inches at times, but always with his eyes on the doors. They reached them after a moment and Joshua pushed one open and led Jakob out into the street.
Joshua turned quickly and it pulled Jakob sideways.
“Hey!” He cried.
Joshua stopped and looked back at him. He squinted with the gray sky behind him.
“Can I hold your hand, please?” He asked. Jakob squinted himself. Even though it was cloudy, it was still bright from all of the reflected light.
Joshua looked down at him (at least, Jakob thought he was looking at him). He seemed to be judging for something. After a moment, he opened the hand holding Jakob's arm. Jakob meant to rub it, but when he looked at it, he almost screamed.
“My arm!” He said, his voice quavering slightly.
His arm seemed only half there. It was still three dimensional and intact, he hadn't lost any fingers or the such, but it was semi-transparent. It reminded him for a moment of frosted glass. As he looked at it, he saw Joshua's hand behind it. It was open and waiting. Jakob took it and the two continued to walk. This time turning right and moving away from the building they had just exited.
“I tekit yea neverr ben 'ere before?” Joshua asked him. His voice was suspicious, but Jakob didn't notice. He was staring at his other hand as Joshua led him to the end of the block. From there, they made another right onto a street that was far less crowded that the earlier one. Jakob wondered at his palm, looking through it and seeing the vague shapes of the buildings behind it. He turned his hand on Joshua and looked up at the hulking man as they walked. Looking through it, he no longer saw the shine that seemed to cover everything. Instead, the colors seemed bland and washed out. It's all faded, Jakob thought. This thought struck him funny and he put his hand down.
“Mr. Joshua, where are we going, please?”
“Well beh therr soon enough nah. Ah, 'ere we go!”
The turned another corner and came to a large open square. It was so wide that the buildings around it seemed like a huge shining fence built to hem it in. Most of it seemed to be very worn (but nonetheless shining) cobble stone. It was a great open area with nothing at all around to fill it. It had no fountains or statues, no monuments of any sort. As far as Jakob could see, there wasn't even so much as a bench to sit and feed birds. Not that he saw any birds, but, he thought, if they did exist, they would probably enjoy being fed from benches.
At the other side of the square, facing Jakob and Joshua, was an enormous building. It seemed by far the largest of the hedge that surrounded the square. It was towards this great chrome giant that Joshua seemed to be taking him.
“Is this the boy?”
“Aye, so he ez.”
Jakob was still holding Joshua's hand. They had entered the building through a pair of comparetively tiny doors in the center of the front of the building. Inside, everything seemed a bit darker, although the lights overhead seemed brightly fluorescent.
Jakob looked around Joshua at the foyer of the building. It was sparse, without any chairs or benches or even tables. There were none of the usual niceties one found in waiting rooms. It gave the room a hygenic, officious look. Everything shining under the lights. Jakob say through the windows that the sky was still a mundane gray, neither story nor clearing. Indeed the clouds, as Jakob surmised they must be, seemed not to be moving at all. They seemed only to hang there as a great mass. A long gray sheet drawn from one end of the horizon to the next.
“Report to room 310N, please.”
The man behind the counter seemed young enough, his face smooth and unblemished, but his voice seemed both old and bored as it directed them.
“Take the elevators to your...”
“Eh know how te get therr, yea little desker, you! Doen worry ehbout meh nune nah!”
With that, Joshua turned to him, motioning him passed the counter and the man with the old voice, towards the only hallway leading from the foyer.
This hallway was both windowless and doorless. Each wall reflected the light, making it quite bright. They came to the end and turned right. There before them was the elevator. Joshua reached out and pressed the button with the up arrow on it.
“Redeckulus, right?”
Jakob looked around, he saw no other doors, not even a second elevator.
“Is this the only one?” He asked.
“Aye, thes ez the only par of doors dun here, but belev meh, there'z moore then one elevater.”
This confused Jakob, but Jakob nodded nonetheless. He looked down at the man's hand, his own less substantial fingers surrounded by the larger chrome ones. Joshua seemed to see this. He let go of Jakob's hand and bent down to look at him.
“Yea look lek a good ked, too young tehh be 'ere, that's fur shore, but donchoo rrun off on meh now, m'lad. Mmm?”
“Okay Joshua.” Jakob said. Joshua was down closer to him. This close up, Jakob could see that the man had blue eyes. These shone like the rest of them, but their expression seemed kind. Jakob nodded, looking at them. They're faded too, he thought. Joshua smiled, his eyes disappearing into squints as his cheeks came up.
“Yea a good boy, Moses. Em surry yea have tehh beah here.”
Jakob looked at him for a moment, his face blank.
“Moses?” He whispered. The smile dropped from Joshua's face in an instant. He was looking at Jakob with a frank interest.
“I'm not Moses.” Jakob whispered again.
“Wut?” Joshua asked. Behind them, the elevator dinged as it arrived.
Jakob knew something, but his mind was slow, numb. He knew something, knew it for a fact. It had to do with the name. Why can't I think of it! He thought. It was a claustrophobic feeling. There was something there. He knew knew knew it, but he couldn't grasp it. He tried to remember.
Behind them. The door dinged again.
“Who are yea?”
Who am I? He wondered. His mind was drifting. Suddenly, the lights seemed very bright. His head was crowded, full of fluff that he could sort through. He was pawing his way, trying to get around it to an idea that was buried in it, but he couldn't quite seem to reach it.
Joshua put out a hand to stop the doors as they tried to close.
“Boy, who are yea, ef yea ain't Moses?”
“I don't remember.” Jakob said.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Pittman Place Pt 3
Later that night, Jakob lay in bed. He had had a bath but he still smelled smoke. He didn't think he'd ever stop smelling it. He'd tried blowing his nose and had been rewarded with a tissue full of black snot.
But he had washed the soot from his face and from his hair, had brushed his teeth and put on his pajamas, and although it was an extraordinary day, the likes of which would test any man or woman, Jakob was very sleepy. Now that he was warm and safe and clean, he yearned for his bed. He wished only to curl up under the blankets and forget everything that had happened over the last few hours.
But it was not to be the case.
He walked down the hall to his room and heard the door close downstairs. He heard his mom as she went into the kitchen, then started up the stairs. He walked to his bedroom and lay down. He pulled his blankets over himself, heaping them up in a great pile.
“How are you doing, darling?” His mother asked as she came in. She sat on the edge of his bed and turned on his lamp.
“I'm OK, Mom. Just sleepy.”
“The firemen say you were very lucky to get out when you did. What in the world were you doing over there, Jakob?”
Jakob curled up under his covers. He could feel his mother waiting, but he didn't know what to tell her. He couldn't put into words what had happen. He couldn't explain about Moses and the monster. His arms and legs were heavy.
“Okay” his mother said finally, “I'll let you sleep. We'll talk more in the morning.”
She pulled back the covers and kissed his cheek. She replaced them and turned off the lamp. Jakob was relieved that he didn't have to explain. His body relaxed. So much so, that he was asleep before his mother closed his bedroom door.
“Jakob.”
Jakob was cold. He looked around his room. His blankets were gone. He could see his bare feet at the end of the bed.
“Jakob.”
Jakob started for a moment, still only half awake. He searched for the voice. He recognized it.
“Moses?”
He saw a light glimmering in the far corner of the room. Out of it walked Moses. I must be dreaming, Jakob thought. He looks as real as he ever was.
“Jake, I need you to trade me clothes.”
Jakob was confused. Moses wore a sweater and jeans. He was barefoot like Jake, but Jake thought he looked warmer than he was.
“Jake, really. I need you to trade me clothes!”
“Why?”
“I can't tell you, just hurry!”
Everything seemed to blur just then. Jakob looked down at his chest and found a zipper. He laughed, it looked so funny. It poked out from his sternum, just sitting against his chest. He reached for it, grasping it lightly.
He looked up at Moses.
“Don't look.”
Moses smiled and turned around. When his back was turned completely to him, Moses disappeared. Jakob almost laughed again, but he could feel that Moses was still in the room, just hiding. Quickly, quickly, Moses whispered.
Jakob took hold of the zipper and pulled it down. He grimaced, anticipating pain, but found there was none. Instead, he felt warmer. No, that's not right, he thought. It wasn't warmth so much as lack of cold. He watched the zipper go down his body. When it reached his waistline, it stopped. He pulled the folds of the suit aside and saw that he wore the same sweater and jeans as Moses had been wearing a moment ago. He wondered at this for a moment.
“Quick, Jake!”
Moses reappeared in the same place as before, this time his hands were outstretched to him. He seemed both very excited and very scared. His eyes darted around the room, but always came back to Jakob. Jakob sighed and stepped out of the body suit he had been wearing. He was starting to think this wasn't a very funny dream after all. He pulled the suit from the floor and handed it to Moses. As it touched Moses' hands, their eyes met. Jakob wondered at an odd twinkling he saw there. Moses and Jakob stood there for a moment, their eyes locked with one another, frozen in time.
Then Moses changed.
Instead of Moses standing before Jakob, Jakob instead saw himself reflected back at him. His reflection wore the same pajamas as Jakob and the same dreamy expression.
“Moses?” He asked.
His voice was different somehow. He looked down and saw he was still in the sweater and jeans as Moses had been wearing. He didn't understand.
The other Jakob yawned loudly and shook his head. He looked at Jakob for a moment and then walked to the bed. He lay down and covered himself with the blankets which had fallen on the floor.
“Hey!” Jakob said, “What are you doing? That's my bed!”
Again his voice was strange in his own ears. The other Jakob covered himself up and closed his eyes. Jakob walked to the bed and looked down at him. He saw a smile on the other Jakob's lips.
“Better keep it down, Jake, or they'll hear you.”
“What? What are you doing?”
“Shhhh.”
Jakob stomped his foot indignantly. What was Moses doing? Stop pretending, he thought angrily. He reached down to touch Moses. His hand was inches from Moses' shoulder when it stopped. It stayed there in the air, unmoving, next to the blanket.
Jakob tried to pull his hand back, but couldn't. He pulled at it harder for a moment, trying to shake it free, but nothing happened.
It was then that he heard a noise. It was like a chain being dragged down the hall. It sounded very large. He heard a bumping as the chain moved. It seemed to be coming towards him rather than being dragged away. He turned around just as a shadow moved under his door. Mom! He thought.
But the shadow moved then, whatever it was, it snaked back and forth, still making sounds of heavy chains. As Jakob watched, he saw something wriggle under the door. It was something small, but the chain noise was louder now, in the room with him even. He tried to get a better look, but his hand stayed put and prevented him from looking around at his door way. Jakob grew frightened, he did not like whatever this was. Whatever part of the dream this might be, he didn't want it.
He closed his eyes, squeezing them tight to try and wake himself up. Still he heard the chains, closer now. He shook his head back and forth and squeezed his eyes tighter and tighter. Still he heard chains.
“Wake up!” He shouted. He heard his old voice as it pushed through the new one.
It was quiet and very still. He heard no more rustling. He hoped for a moment that whatever it was had disappeared. Down the hall, from his mother's room, he heard his mom's voice call his name.
He opened his eyes.
Everything was so bright, he almost couldn't see. Something hung in the air in front of him, twisting around wildly. It looked like a giant glowing worm of some sort. It reminded Jakob of the design on a finger trap, that sort of criss-crossed pattern. Its thrashing slowed for a moment and it seemed to be considering something.
Then in a flash, it swept itself around his waist. He tried to use his free hand to pull it off of him, but that hand was stuck just as rigidly as before. He struggled for a moment, but the strange snake continued to coil itself around his body. He made mewling noises and tried to move, but his entire body was stuck rigidly in place.
The for a moment everything stopped and he heard his mother's door open.
Then the chain snake tugged, as if signaling to someone on the other end, and, in an instant, Jakob was pulled out of his spot and under the door. His body seemed to slip under, like he was an octopus and was without bones. He was pulled at an incredible speed, seeing his mother's face in her doorway for only an instant.
“Mom!” He cried, but he was already past her.
He went down the stares and through kitchen. It pulled him under the front door and out onto the street. He tumbled for a moment, barely noticing the use of his arms and legs had returned. He rolled out to the sidewalk, only to be tugged, rather roughly, onto the black top. He lay there panting and looked down and the shining cord.
“I'd stand up, if I war you.” It said.
Jakob was flabbergasted. He propped himself up on his hands and knees, looking down in amazement.
“Up and at 'em now, we haven't time to waist!”
There was an edge of authority in the voice which pushed Jakob to obey. He stood up, the golden chain still about his midsection. He ran his fingers over the chain, it felted warm and vibrated slightly, as if there was something going on inside of it. As he watched, there was another tug, but this time the chain was caught and held. The chain was parallel with the street and ran down to the end of Jakob's block.
“What's going on?” He asked.
“Hold on, ked. T'll be all right.”
The chain held taut for a moment, shining like a neon light. Jakob looked at it with wonder and amazement. He felt something gathering at the far end of the street. He stopped watching for a moment and looked back at the house. He looked at the darken front window and saw himself reflected in it, standing in the street. But he wasn't himself. He looked like Moses.
What a strange dream I'm having, he thought.
For the third time that night, the air was still and heavy around Jakob. For a moment, Jakob vaguely perceived the voice of his mother from the upstairs of his house. Mom, Sis, he thought. The chain grew tight and then the force multiplied tenfold, pulling Jakob off his feet. He flew forward at an incredible speed and in seconds, when he reached the end of his block, he came to Oblivion.
But he had washed the soot from his face and from his hair, had brushed his teeth and put on his pajamas, and although it was an extraordinary day, the likes of which would test any man or woman, Jakob was very sleepy. Now that he was warm and safe and clean, he yearned for his bed. He wished only to curl up under the blankets and forget everything that had happened over the last few hours.
But it was not to be the case.
He walked down the hall to his room and heard the door close downstairs. He heard his mom as she went into the kitchen, then started up the stairs. He walked to his bedroom and lay down. He pulled his blankets over himself, heaping them up in a great pile.
“How are you doing, darling?” His mother asked as she came in. She sat on the edge of his bed and turned on his lamp.
“I'm OK, Mom. Just sleepy.”
“The firemen say you were very lucky to get out when you did. What in the world were you doing over there, Jakob?”
Jakob curled up under his covers. He could feel his mother waiting, but he didn't know what to tell her. He couldn't put into words what had happen. He couldn't explain about Moses and the monster. His arms and legs were heavy.
“Okay” his mother said finally, “I'll let you sleep. We'll talk more in the morning.”
She pulled back the covers and kissed his cheek. She replaced them and turned off the lamp. Jakob was relieved that he didn't have to explain. His body relaxed. So much so, that he was asleep before his mother closed his bedroom door.
“Jakob.”
Jakob was cold. He looked around his room. His blankets were gone. He could see his bare feet at the end of the bed.
“Jakob.”
Jakob started for a moment, still only half awake. He searched for the voice. He recognized it.
“Moses?”
He saw a light glimmering in the far corner of the room. Out of it walked Moses. I must be dreaming, Jakob thought. He looks as real as he ever was.
“Jake, I need you to trade me clothes.”
Jakob was confused. Moses wore a sweater and jeans. He was barefoot like Jake, but Jake thought he looked warmer than he was.
“Jake, really. I need you to trade me clothes!”
“Why?”
“I can't tell you, just hurry!”
Everything seemed to blur just then. Jakob looked down at his chest and found a zipper. He laughed, it looked so funny. It poked out from his sternum, just sitting against his chest. He reached for it, grasping it lightly.
He looked up at Moses.
“Don't look.”
Moses smiled and turned around. When his back was turned completely to him, Moses disappeared. Jakob almost laughed again, but he could feel that Moses was still in the room, just hiding. Quickly, quickly, Moses whispered.
Jakob took hold of the zipper and pulled it down. He grimaced, anticipating pain, but found there was none. Instead, he felt warmer. No, that's not right, he thought. It wasn't warmth so much as lack of cold. He watched the zipper go down his body. When it reached his waistline, it stopped. He pulled the folds of the suit aside and saw that he wore the same sweater and jeans as Moses had been wearing a moment ago. He wondered at this for a moment.
“Quick, Jake!”
Moses reappeared in the same place as before, this time his hands were outstretched to him. He seemed both very excited and very scared. His eyes darted around the room, but always came back to Jakob. Jakob sighed and stepped out of the body suit he had been wearing. He was starting to think this wasn't a very funny dream after all. He pulled the suit from the floor and handed it to Moses. As it touched Moses' hands, their eyes met. Jakob wondered at an odd twinkling he saw there. Moses and Jakob stood there for a moment, their eyes locked with one another, frozen in time.
Then Moses changed.
Instead of Moses standing before Jakob, Jakob instead saw himself reflected back at him. His reflection wore the same pajamas as Jakob and the same dreamy expression.
“Moses?” He asked.
His voice was different somehow. He looked down and saw he was still in the sweater and jeans as Moses had been wearing. He didn't understand.
The other Jakob yawned loudly and shook his head. He looked at Jakob for a moment and then walked to the bed. He lay down and covered himself with the blankets which had fallen on the floor.
“Hey!” Jakob said, “What are you doing? That's my bed!”
Again his voice was strange in his own ears. The other Jakob covered himself up and closed his eyes. Jakob walked to the bed and looked down at him. He saw a smile on the other Jakob's lips.
“Better keep it down, Jake, or they'll hear you.”
“What? What are you doing?”
“Shhhh.”
Jakob stomped his foot indignantly. What was Moses doing? Stop pretending, he thought angrily. He reached down to touch Moses. His hand was inches from Moses' shoulder when it stopped. It stayed there in the air, unmoving, next to the blanket.
Jakob tried to pull his hand back, but couldn't. He pulled at it harder for a moment, trying to shake it free, but nothing happened.
It was then that he heard a noise. It was like a chain being dragged down the hall. It sounded very large. He heard a bumping as the chain moved. It seemed to be coming towards him rather than being dragged away. He turned around just as a shadow moved under his door. Mom! He thought.
But the shadow moved then, whatever it was, it snaked back and forth, still making sounds of heavy chains. As Jakob watched, he saw something wriggle under the door. It was something small, but the chain noise was louder now, in the room with him even. He tried to get a better look, but his hand stayed put and prevented him from looking around at his door way. Jakob grew frightened, he did not like whatever this was. Whatever part of the dream this might be, he didn't want it.
He closed his eyes, squeezing them tight to try and wake himself up. Still he heard the chains, closer now. He shook his head back and forth and squeezed his eyes tighter and tighter. Still he heard chains.
“Wake up!” He shouted. He heard his old voice as it pushed through the new one.
It was quiet and very still. He heard no more rustling. He hoped for a moment that whatever it was had disappeared. Down the hall, from his mother's room, he heard his mom's voice call his name.
He opened his eyes.
Everything was so bright, he almost couldn't see. Something hung in the air in front of him, twisting around wildly. It looked like a giant glowing worm of some sort. It reminded Jakob of the design on a finger trap, that sort of criss-crossed pattern. Its thrashing slowed for a moment and it seemed to be considering something.
Then in a flash, it swept itself around his waist. He tried to use his free hand to pull it off of him, but that hand was stuck just as rigidly as before. He struggled for a moment, but the strange snake continued to coil itself around his body. He made mewling noises and tried to move, but his entire body was stuck rigidly in place.
The for a moment everything stopped and he heard his mother's door open.
Then the chain snake tugged, as if signaling to someone on the other end, and, in an instant, Jakob was pulled out of his spot and under the door. His body seemed to slip under, like he was an octopus and was without bones. He was pulled at an incredible speed, seeing his mother's face in her doorway for only an instant.
“Mom!” He cried, but he was already past her.
He went down the stares and through kitchen. It pulled him under the front door and out onto the street. He tumbled for a moment, barely noticing the use of his arms and legs had returned. He rolled out to the sidewalk, only to be tugged, rather roughly, onto the black top. He lay there panting and looked down and the shining cord.
“I'd stand up, if I war you.” It said.
Jakob was flabbergasted. He propped himself up on his hands and knees, looking down in amazement.
“Up and at 'em now, we haven't time to waist!”
There was an edge of authority in the voice which pushed Jakob to obey. He stood up, the golden chain still about his midsection. He ran his fingers over the chain, it felted warm and vibrated slightly, as if there was something going on inside of it. As he watched, there was another tug, but this time the chain was caught and held. The chain was parallel with the street and ran down to the end of Jakob's block.
“What's going on?” He asked.
“Hold on, ked. T'll be all right.”
The chain held taut for a moment, shining like a neon light. Jakob looked at it with wonder and amazement. He felt something gathering at the far end of the street. He stopped watching for a moment and looked back at the house. He looked at the darken front window and saw himself reflected in it, standing in the street. But he wasn't himself. He looked like Moses.
What a strange dream I'm having, he thought.
For the third time that night, the air was still and heavy around Jakob. For a moment, Jakob vaguely perceived the voice of his mother from the upstairs of his house. Mom, Sis, he thought. The chain grew tight and then the force multiplied tenfold, pulling Jakob off his feet. He flew forward at an incredible speed and in seconds, when he reached the end of his block, he came to Oblivion.
Friday, December 3, 2010
David Sedaris
So I met David Sedaris.
I met him on a crazed sort of whim, jumping in my grandmother's car and racing to the bookstore signing.
Previous to meeting the legendary humorist, before I ever got to the wall post directing me to the Changing Hands Bookstore (which I had never set foot in before tonight), I was having a weird day.
It started off pretty normal. I got up and ate the usual breakfast: one potatoe (sliced then fried); two eggs (scrambled!), turkey slices, two cuties, multivitamin, and lemonade. Breakfast of champions. I read about it earlier this semester when I was obsessed with bicycling. I guess I'm still obsessed, because I'm absolutely adamant about eating it. I need the protein and carbs and fruit for my daily twelve miles on the bike. Not bad, I suppose.
Anywho, I ates me some grub and headed to school. I had read on twitter that Atomic Comics was having some sort of ridiculous sale for some sort of ridiculous reason that I couldn't be bothered to remember.I'm a gist man, mostly, and I tend to skim things. Unless it's Simon Pegg's tweets, which I read religiously (I bought his comic book app for the iphone).
In any case, I lucked out, as it was half off everything. Super luck! The only sort of foreshadowing that can be seen here, was that I meant to eat lunch, but was so pleased with my purchases I never got around to it. But I ate a big breakfast, so I figured I was good.
I got some real winners which I could write about here, but I think I'll wait until I've finished all of them and then blog my reviews on my loot. Needless to say, Grant Morrison kills Batman.
So after my first round of providence, I headed to school to hang out. I ran into some friends from my political science class and we had a rousing conversation about about this nutter woman in our class. She believes in aliens, 2012, and the absolute validity of the Left. She is a joy in the classroom. We are pretty sure she has hepatitis. We aren't sure, but we think it's probably all of them.
I left them to their business and drank some CRANAPPLERASPBERRY, which was delicious.
Pretty standard, you say? Ed, quit boring us with your stupid day, you say?
It's all pertinent! Sort of! Mostly the last stuff, but still...
Anywho, I went to my art class, to do art right? Not really, I was pretty much done with my two day sketch and altogether distracted by the texts and phone calls I was recieving. I had been getting them since poly sci on tuesday and they were all in regards to this big 15 page paper that nine different people were writing. Some of these people, who are very nice regardless, were super clueless and called me constantly. One of them, I actually outlined his entire paper to him in detail, three times in one particular conversation! In any case, I couldn't stop the texts crying out for help, so I talked to my Croatian life drawing teacher, Edna, and she let me out early.
This is really were we start our descent.
I left class and biked 10 miles down to my aunt's house to help my grandmother babysit my cousins. This ride was kind of crazy because I was pushing myself for time. I think it took me like 30 minutes? When I got there, I was drenched in sweat and my legs felt like they'd wibble wobble away. But I hung tight and put the rugrats to bed! Hazzah.
It's at this point that I got a push notice from a girl in my life drawing class, Ashley. It's important to note that I saw the notice, but ignored checking my facebook for her wall post. Instead, Grandma and I spent half an hour at Wal-Mart. The only purchase of importance was pesto.
After this, we cruised home. I was nervous about collating and editing all of the papers that the other members of the group would be sending me. It was terrible, I got a big pimple in the middle of my forehead. It's pretty much gone now, but I was pissed yesterday.
Also, my phone was almost dead. I had taken too many calls and texts from people in my poly sci class. It had croaked out it's "Below 20%, Please Charge!" warning. So I plugged it in and sat for a moment to read my messages. It was then that I checked my wall.
"Hey, so if you get here in like an hour david sedaris is still sighning books..."
I looked at the time: 39 minutes ago.
After that, it was like 24. I stopped with the groceries and undressing and politely asked my grandmother to borrow her car. She said it was fine, so I grabbed the one Sedaris book I actually own a copy of: Dress Your Kids In Corduroy and Denim. This, incidentally, was the first book of his I had ever read, ever. It was the actual copy I bought at the Lakeside library when I was 15 or 16. It was my first instance of trying to walk and read; as I read most of it on the walk home from Lindo Lake Park. Past the dirty 7-11, where Joel Wheeler got in a fight in high school. Over the bridge, the underside of which was covered in swastikas. Passed the Circle-K where my mom first worked when we moved to San Diego, before she got the shwanky accounting job that would become my own. All the way back to the house I grew up in (mostly). By the time I reached my bedroom, on the third floor of our pink house in the Navy housing complex, I done.
I made it to the bookstore, immediately thinking it was closed and that I was too late. I started to feel that bitter sort of crushing hopelessness, but I powered through anyways. The lights were on, but I didn't see anyone exept for the guy mopping the floor in the coffee shop.
I grabbed my book and made it to the door. It's an enlightening moment when everything sort of hangs on something so small as a door.
But I pushed it, and it opened.
After that, it's a blur of dead baby jokes and chatter. I had started to change, so I ended up wearing a hoody and nothing under it. This made me a little chagrined when Mr. Sedaris noticed my tattoo. I then unzipped it most of the way, a rather odd thing, I thought. I met up with Ashley and her sister and got to hitch a ride with them in line. We approached him altogether and he was amazingly congenial. It's really hard not to gush about it because he was just ludicrously nice. I told him a dead baby joke and he wrote "To Ed, I can't spell retardED without you". The girls told him there jokes and I remember he told us a dirty one in return, though I can't recall what it was. I feel kind of self conscious in retrospect about the interview, because I hadn't eaten since that hearty breakfast I mentioned early, so I was a little light headed and shaky. He signed their books, even going so far as to draw a dachsund with a baby attached to it on Kelly's. Then they told him it was their birthday, which it was on Tuesday, as her and her sister and some unknown sister are triplets. So, of course, he gave them presents. I'm not totally sure because I didn't look closely and I was talking incessantly (I WAS NERVOUS) but I'm pretty sure it was super sweet David Sedaris lotion and shampoo. He turned to me, looking up at me with these clear blue eyes.
"I don't want you to feel left out..." He said.
"Uh..." I replied.
He fished in his bag (SANTA) and pulled out a box. He opened the box and handed me a small white square card. It read:
Stop Talking
And I will cherish it forever.
Then he told this joke.
(To me) "If you woke up in the woods with grass stains on your knees and a used condom hanging out of your asshole, would you tell anyone?"
(Me) "Uh...Yes? NO! No, I mean, No..."
(Him) "Want to go camping?"
Vulgar, I know, but an appropriate ending to an altogether crazy day/ fall down strange night.
I met him on a crazed sort of whim, jumping in my grandmother's car and racing to the bookstore signing.
Previous to meeting the legendary humorist, before I ever got to the wall post directing me to the Changing Hands Bookstore (which I had never set foot in before tonight), I was having a weird day.
It started off pretty normal. I got up and ate the usual breakfast: one potatoe (sliced then fried); two eggs (scrambled!), turkey slices, two cuties, multivitamin, and lemonade. Breakfast of champions. I read about it earlier this semester when I was obsessed with bicycling. I guess I'm still obsessed, because I'm absolutely adamant about eating it. I need the protein and carbs and fruit for my daily twelve miles on the bike. Not bad, I suppose.
Anywho, I ates me some grub and headed to school. I had read on twitter that Atomic Comics was having some sort of ridiculous sale for some sort of ridiculous reason that I couldn't be bothered to remember.I'm a gist man, mostly, and I tend to skim things. Unless it's Simon Pegg's tweets, which I read religiously (I bought his comic book app for the iphone).
In any case, I lucked out, as it was half off everything. Super luck! The only sort of foreshadowing that can be seen here, was that I meant to eat lunch, but was so pleased with my purchases I never got around to it. But I ate a big breakfast, so I figured I was good.
I got some real winners which I could write about here, but I think I'll wait until I've finished all of them and then blog my reviews on my loot. Needless to say, Grant Morrison kills Batman.
So after my first round of providence, I headed to school to hang out. I ran into some friends from my political science class and we had a rousing conversation about about this nutter woman in our class. She believes in aliens, 2012, and the absolute validity of the Left. She is a joy in the classroom. We are pretty sure she has hepatitis. We aren't sure, but we think it's probably all of them.
I left them to their business and drank some CRANAPPLERASPBERRY, which was delicious.
Pretty standard, you say? Ed, quit boring us with your stupid day, you say?
It's all pertinent! Sort of! Mostly the last stuff, but still...
Anywho, I went to my art class, to do art right? Not really, I was pretty much done with my two day sketch and altogether distracted by the texts and phone calls I was recieving. I had been getting them since poly sci on tuesday and they were all in regards to this big 15 page paper that nine different people were writing. Some of these people, who are very nice regardless, were super clueless and called me constantly. One of them, I actually outlined his entire paper to him in detail, three times in one particular conversation! In any case, I couldn't stop the texts crying out for help, so I talked to my Croatian life drawing teacher, Edna, and she let me out early.
This is really were we start our descent.
I left class and biked 10 miles down to my aunt's house to help my grandmother babysit my cousins. This ride was kind of crazy because I was pushing myself for time. I think it took me like 30 minutes? When I got there, I was drenched in sweat and my legs felt like they'd wibble wobble away. But I hung tight and put the rugrats to bed! Hazzah.
It's at this point that I got a push notice from a girl in my life drawing class, Ashley. It's important to note that I saw the notice, but ignored checking my facebook for her wall post. Instead, Grandma and I spent half an hour at Wal-Mart. The only purchase of importance was pesto.
After this, we cruised home. I was nervous about collating and editing all of the papers that the other members of the group would be sending me. It was terrible, I got a big pimple in the middle of my forehead. It's pretty much gone now, but I was pissed yesterday.
Also, my phone was almost dead. I had taken too many calls and texts from people in my poly sci class. It had croaked out it's "Below 20%, Please Charge!" warning. So I plugged it in and sat for a moment to read my messages. It was then that I checked my wall.
"Hey, so if you get here in like an hour david sedaris is still sighning books..."
I looked at the time: 39 minutes ago.
After that, it was like 24. I stopped with the groceries and undressing and politely asked my grandmother to borrow her car. She said it was fine, so I grabbed the one Sedaris book I actually own a copy of: Dress Your Kids In Corduroy and Denim. This, incidentally, was the first book of his I had ever read, ever. It was the actual copy I bought at the Lakeside library when I was 15 or 16. It was my first instance of trying to walk and read; as I read most of it on the walk home from Lindo Lake Park. Past the dirty 7-11, where Joel Wheeler got in a fight in high school. Over the bridge, the underside of which was covered in swastikas. Passed the Circle-K where my mom first worked when we moved to San Diego, before she got the shwanky accounting job that would become my own. All the way back to the house I grew up in (mostly). By the time I reached my bedroom, on the third floor of our pink house in the Navy housing complex, I done.
I made it to the bookstore, immediately thinking it was closed and that I was too late. I started to feel that bitter sort of crushing hopelessness, but I powered through anyways. The lights were on, but I didn't see anyone exept for the guy mopping the floor in the coffee shop.
I grabbed my book and made it to the door. It's an enlightening moment when everything sort of hangs on something so small as a door.
But I pushed it, and it opened.
After that, it's a blur of dead baby jokes and chatter. I had started to change, so I ended up wearing a hoody and nothing under it. This made me a little chagrined when Mr. Sedaris noticed my tattoo. I then unzipped it most of the way, a rather odd thing, I thought. I met up with Ashley and her sister and got to hitch a ride with them in line. We approached him altogether and he was amazingly congenial. It's really hard not to gush about it because he was just ludicrously nice. I told him a dead baby joke and he wrote "To Ed, I can't spell retardED without you". The girls told him there jokes and I remember he told us a dirty one in return, though I can't recall what it was. I feel kind of self conscious in retrospect about the interview, because I hadn't eaten since that hearty breakfast I mentioned early, so I was a little light headed and shaky. He signed their books, even going so far as to draw a dachsund with a baby attached to it on Kelly's. Then they told him it was their birthday, which it was on Tuesday, as her and her sister and some unknown sister are triplets. So, of course, he gave them presents. I'm not totally sure because I didn't look closely and I was talking incessantly (I WAS NERVOUS) but I'm pretty sure it was super sweet David Sedaris lotion and shampoo. He turned to me, looking up at me with these clear blue eyes.
"I don't want you to feel left out..." He said.
"Uh..." I replied.
He fished in his bag (SANTA) and pulled out a box. He opened the box and handed me a small white square card. It read:
Stop Talking
And I will cherish it forever.
Then he told this joke.
(To me) "If you woke up in the woods with grass stains on your knees and a used condom hanging out of your asshole, would you tell anyone?"
(Me) "Uh...Yes? NO! No, I mean, No..."
(Him) "Want to go camping?"
Vulgar, I know, but an appropriate ending to an altogether crazy day/ fall down strange night.
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