I Shot Off My Dick

A short vignette I originally wrote due to a text from Lucas. I sent this to him and he made "revisions". Maybe I'll post that one someday.


Oops, I Shot Off My by Ed Chaney
“For the sake of comedic timing, and to add great enthusiasm to the central theme of the play, the following contains no periods”
A House Party
Max: (speaking to Jean) Well you know, that is the thing about London
Jean: What is?
Max: Well, I guess, mostly, it just sort of is what it is
Jean: (slightly stunned) What is what 'what' is?
Max: It's too hard to enunciate, it's more of a general feeling of the places
Jean: Places?
Max: Yeah, like New York and Los Angeles
Sonya: (Tuning into the conversation) What about New York and LA?
Max: (subdued by the attention, speaks flabbergasted) It is impossible to explain, you will just have to go there and see for yourself
Sonya: Well that's not much of a story is it?
Jean: Well I don't think it was much of a story to start with
Sonya: But there was a story?
Jean: Oh yes
Max: It was about this time I
Sonya: Wait wait wait, I already heard the ending, and it was terrible, why would you start it again
Max: Because you, you know, seemed interested
Sonya: I was, but not in a story that ends in that sort of manner I mean that was completely unsatisfactory It was like a run-on sentence that got so long you couldn't manage it so you slapped a
Max: Hold up! I had an ending, it just wasn't a zinger is all
Sonya: Oh yeah? Well it wasn't necessarily an arthouse ending either There were no shots of still pools or light shifting through leaves, were there?
Jean: It's like the end of Stephen King's It
Sonya: Or a poop that doesn't stay together
Jean: C-Sections
Sonya: Snakes
Max: (Pauses)
Jake: (Just walking up) I hate that, don't you?
They all turn to look at him
Jean: What?
Jake: I'm sorry?
Max: You were hating something
Jake: Why yes, yes I was
Sonya: Jake you old dog, not railing on the Food and Drug Administration for their treatment of farmers again are you?
Jake: (Laughing) Still treating important issues as jokes I see
Max: (laughing along) I hate that, don't you dear?
Jean: Yes, yes I do
Jake: (Looking over and arching an eyebrow) And what, praytell, you hate my dear boy?
Max: Private or inside humor In fact, Sonya, I believe we were just discussing this
Sonya: Were we?
Max: Yes, see you came in at the end of my story and discounted it based on the criteria of my conclusion, which was flat and malformed I on the other hand have chosen to reject your ending, the punchline of an invisible allusion or anecdote, because I LACK an account or accounts wherein you have made comedic fodder from personal or important beliefs or opinions
Sonya: You believe you have just cause?
Jean: I do, I second him on the grounds that I too, did not enjoy that introductory tease I feel that it excluded both I and Max because we are not so acquainted as you and him.
Jean: (To Max) Just like in Paris!
Sonya: (To Jean) Or like that conversation we had earlier
Jean: Just like that
Jake: (With a slight, but sincere bow) Well then, my apologies
Sonya: (Looking hastily at Max) We were just discussing the pros and cons of a good ending
Jake: (With a chuckle) Can there be such a thing as a 'con' to a good and proper ending?
They sit in contemplative silence
Jake: Ah, maybe there can
They look to him
Jake: Let me show you
He stands back and holds his arms outstretched to Sonya
Jake: Oh Mildred, my sweet and beautiful I cry your mercy as I am a torn and broken man Though oft in my journey to reach you I have wish and dreamed of this moment, I am not whole as I once was
Jake looks at his groin Sony puts her hand to her mouth
Jake: You know I have traveled far and long to reach you here in the house of you birth, for one and one reason alone: to ask for you hand in marriage But, in my haste and struggle to return to you, I lost that which could have been most useful to you in your present state I pray your forgiveness What say you?
Jake leans his head on Sonya's thigh She puts her hand to the crown of his head
Sonya: (Whispered) I do
The others clap
Jake: You perceive my meaning then?
Jean: While the ending is emotionally arresting, it is too tied to the rest of the plot and therefore does not stand alone as necessarily good without it
Max: I guess I do, but I feel the distinction must be made by throwing out the ideas of 'good' or 'bad' as they do not allocate the proper meaning in our trial of endings I think better terms would be satisfactory or unsatisfactory, as they convey more fully the standard we are looking for
All: Agreed
Alexander: Hello, all I was going out for more beer and spirits and wondered if any of you
Alexander gestures for beer money
Jake: Unsatisfactory
Jean: Why?
Jake: (Instructing with his finger) You see, Alexander, by his mere sentence or so, has given us substantial plot (looking to Alexander) I assume you noticed we were running out or someone said something, the hostess
Alexander: This is my apartment!?
Jake: Yes of course it is chap Thanks for the invite, by the way
The others murmur their thanks
Alexander: But you've just told me my story was unsatisfactory!
Max: I think it was a matter of opinion more than anything
Sonya: Why?
Max: Because although it sort of just ended, it was more of what was included in that ending than the actually ending itself that led to its abrupt disqualification
Jake: Oh yeah?
Max: You don't have any cash on you do you?
Jake: (Laughing) Not a dime! Very clever
Alexander stands there impatiently
Jean: But does that mean that a good story with a controversial ending could therefore belong to the unsatisfactory category?
Max: (chuckles) It seems so
Sonya: So really, the only thing that can make a anything at all good or important or lovely is a satisfactory story with a satisfactory ending
Jake: (nods) The only thing, yes
Alexander: That's ridiculous! Do you and I live in the best of all possible worlds perhaps?
Max: (smoking a pipe he has pulled from his pocket) Are we dabbling into the existential perhaps?
Alexander: (Shaking his head) Not at all, this is simply are relative matter. The idea of unsatisfactory or satisfactory can be changed on a whim due to the opinion of another
Jake opens his mouth, a pipe has appeared in his hand as well
Alexander: You can't say what story is one or the other because to you it may seem terrible but to another, it might be genius
Jean: (Now with a pipe) One man's trash is another man's
Alexander: The truth is, no story has a-a perfect plot and perfect ending
Sonya: (Pointing with her pipe) Watchmen
Alexander: But even that dabbles in imperfection as Mad Max came out in 1979 and Watchmen was released in '85
Max: So?
Alexander: So the end of the scene in which Rorshach kills the child kidnapper, was stolen or homaged from Mad Max
Jake: Refresh me on the power points of the two scenes
Alexander: It doesn't completely matter, the punchline is the guy has a choice to either survive by sawing off his own leg or arm or die
Jean: Like in Saw!
Alexander: There again, reinforcing my point
They all look to Alexander for explanation
Alexander: Well, because of Saw, that's at least three times that set up has been used So then, it must have faded in the shock value or thrill it can provide Either because of repetition or because the audience has become numb to the situation it presents Like a story that has been told too many times
Jean and Max look at one another
Alexander: But then, because it is an homage and then there is an homage to the homage, if you don't know or know of the original you are left out of the loop while everyone's laughing Like a private joke or saying
Jake and Sonya exchange glances
Alexander: The fact of the matter is that we have to choice to make something good or bad, satisfactory or otherwise We can choose to enjoy something and no matter what the criterion or circle of thought, nothing will change it The fruit picked versus the fruit wished for
They all sit quietly for a moment, sipping at their tea cups
Jake: (looking around) Well I don't agree
Sonya: (standing) Neither do I!
Max: Here here
Jean: Let's take vote
Alexander: (Shouting) Well it's my house and if you won't cough up beer money you can get the hell out!
The are unsanctimoniously ejected from the party, all the while Alexander shouts:
Alexander: Stupid elitist twats! Cheap hambone intellectual riff raff!
The End.